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(no subject) [Mar. 7th, 2010|11:43 pm]
[Current Location |Home...]
[Current Mood |Lonesome]
[Current Music |Mountain Goats]

I have had, lately, an irrational fear of large vehicles hitting me while I'm walking on the sidewalk. I've found myself literally freezing on the spot while buses pass me in the outside lane.

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(no subject) [Dec. 26th, 2009|01:23 am]

I get really, really sad at Christmas time. Collapse )

I had a pretty nice christmas this year, truly. I have a difficult relationship with my mom a lot of the time, but overall things went smoothly. I got some lovely gifts (earrings, nice lotions, a sweater, kitchen accessories), even a couple of things that I had asked for (a perfume called "Daisy", grey jeans, red lipstick, an iron, a speedlight for my Nikon).

I tried really hard to feel okay with accepting gifts, which is something that is usually really hard for me. My immediate reaction is to reject gifts because I hate having people spend money on me, or because I get anxiety over feeling that I have things I don't "need". I'm trying to deal with that better, a well as learning to just accept things that are nice but not really my taste without feeling like nobody listens to me or getting anxious again over all the money spent. It sounds silly, probably, to other people who would love to have lots of gifts at Christmas, but it is something I struggle with.

I helped make dinner and we drank champagne and watched Rudolph and it was a nice day.

At the end of it all, I find myself sitting back at my own home in bed, feeling near tears and incredibly alone. I wish I was a better daughter and a better person. I can't help feeling like it is almost entirely my own fault that I really have no friends to enjoy christmas with, no one to call, no one to compare gifts with or have boxing day dinner with. I have no plans for new years eve, as usual, but I'd imagine the most important thing is that I am really hoping I can change that as a new years resolution. I need to be more careful in who I hope to befriend, not just thinking that hanging out at the bar means friendship, not trying to be close to people who will walk away if things get too difficult... and more so, I need to figure out what it us about me that drives people away. How can I be a better friend to the people who are good to me, and how can I try harder to seem fun, interesting and worthwhile to new people. I feel like it is always beyond my reach.

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A silly entry, perhaps a real one to follow. [Nov. 29th, 2009|03:51 pm]
Bored at work/school/life? Fill 'er out!

1.Your Full Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song:
6. Favorite Band/Rapper/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:

1. Do we know each other outside of the internets?
2. Whats your philosophy on life?
3. Would you have my back in a fight?
4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
5. What is your favorite memory of us?
6. Would you give me a kidney?
7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
8. Would you take care of me when I’m sick?
9. Can we get together and make a cake?
10. Have you heard any rumors about me lately?
11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?
12. Do you think I’m a good person?
13. Would you drive across country with me?
14. Do you think I’m attractive?
15. If you could change anything about me, would you?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
18. Would you go on a date with me if I asked you?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2009|10:37 am]
[Current Mood |busy]

Nicky's wedding day!

The groom is still asleep, the bride is missing (in-law's house?) and I'm sitting around blogging. Merp. We need a big cuppa get-up-and-go. I think I should probably go dry my hair and pack my things.
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(no subject) [Jun. 7th, 2009|03:28 pm]

The Velvet Underground - Sweet Jane

I used to think I wanted my life to feel the way this song does. And now, when some people like to go out dancing, and other people have to work, I just kind of wonder if anyone who ever had a heart really wouldn't turn around and break it.

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(no subject) [May. 5th, 2009|02:39 am]
[Current Mood |listlesslistless]

Sometimes when I am having my usual stressed out emotional breakdowns, I need to remember... damn. I love my friends. And even if I'm not happy, I am still happier than I've ever been before. Even when I can't see it. Someone feel free to throw this in my face the next time I am moping (not really, but, you know).
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(no subject) [Apr. 1st, 2009|08:53 pm]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

My dad called today to ask me when my graduation ceremony was, and to tell me how proud he was, and that he was sorry for interrupting my studies to call. I'm sitting around at Our Town, trying to study but mostly just slacking off on Tumblr. I chose not to attend the graduation ceremony. Both he and my mother are heartbroken, as neither of them went to university, but it's too late to apply to go.

In all honesty, the thought of crossing the stage is horrifyingly embarrassing. None of my professors know or care who I am. I have done the bare minimum in all of my classes. I have never turned in anything that I have been proud of. I'm sitting here just feeling miserable about my efforts, ashamed even. I've always been the kind of person who, if I can't do something perfectly, I will simply do nothing at all. I've never felt so horrible about my so-called achievements as I do right now. How many people get the opportunity to attend university, and then waste it entirely? There's not a hope in hell I will ever get into grad school with my grades, meaning I have achieved all I am ever going to achieve.

Essentially, nothing.
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Back to School [Jan. 6th, 2009|01:53 pm]
I fucking hate being in art history because all of the girls are cuter and more fashionable than me and all of the boys are... oh wait. There aren't any boys in art history.

Too late to switch majors?
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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2008|02:51 pm]
[Current Mood |creative]
[Current Music |The Cure]

Last night Amelia and I climbed out on the roof to watch the snow. We had Japanese nicotine-free cigarettes and talked about combat boots and dogs and waved at our neighbours as they walked past on the snowy streets. Sitting on the roof is almost like having a tree fort. You can see everything and nobody else can come up there. It was cold but I was content. It's still snowing. I need new boots.

I have a really big late fee at the UBC library so next semester I am going to have to go downtown to take out books to write my papers. Did I mention that I am graduating in May? I think I've told everyone but if not: I am graduating in May. Pretty stoked to become a grown up and get a real job.

I left my kettle on the stove for too long and now it's all burnt. Therefore, I would like a new kettle for Christmas. A red one to match my pots.

I am probably not as happy as I was starting to think I was.

I'm drawing a lot.
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2008|05:24 am]
[Current Music |Mountain Goats]

I pick at scabs.

I can't help it.

I have so many scars.

Literally or metaphorically.

Pick pick pick pick.
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